New Student at CHS: the Communique staff have taken into account your large number in our high school this year and have found it deep within ourselves to help you out a little with figuring out how to manage your new life here within the walls of CHS. Since we care deeply about our fellow students here at The Communique, we laboriously spent hours composing a list of advice that we are sure will guarantee you a better understanding of Cresskill High School and will help you survive here. The Communique staff understands how dangerous and confusing a place like Cresskill High School can be, so we hope that some of this advice will be able to help you and maybe even save a life.

• The middle schoolers: be wary, be cautious, be alert. They will come out of nowhere and mercilessly run you over with their bulging backpacks loaded with textbooks and binders. Be especially alert around the end of fifth period when they are released from their cages and begin the hunger-games-esque battle for first in line at the cafeteria.
• Despite what the middle schoolers claim, you can and will be able to make it to class on time without running. The four minutes we have at Cresskill are a true blessing from the Heavens compared to Tenafly’s three.
• Everyone loves the cookies sold in the cafeteria and you may become addicted to them, so keep a close eye on your intake. It has yet to be discovered what the secret ingredient is, but it’s suspected to be sunshine or happiness.
• For reasons beyond our understanding, Cresskill treats high school football like Texas treats football: as life. So we advise you make just as big of a deal about it as everyone else unless you want to be ostracized.
• Be appreciative of being able to eat in the courtyard and even finding a place to sit in the cafeteria because, come winter and graduation practice, you may have to fight another student in order to get a chair.
• Wear layers or keep multiple changes of clothes in your locker because you will be transported to the tropics as well as the tundra depending on which area of the building you are in.
• Make sure to come to school early in the morning so that you won’t get detention or be sentenced to eternal suffering; we suggest arriving at the building by at least 5 am to ensure your safety.
• Protect yourself from catching senioritis; we suggest wearing a facial mask, goggles, and a full body hazmat suit around March when it morphs into a full blown epidemic. Some freshmen that caught it last year are still MIA and one infected junior has been asleep in his classroom since last May.

The Communique staff begs new students to carefully memorize this list, print it out and tape it to all available surfaces as a constant reminder, and share it with other innocent new students, undeserving of the horrible fate that awaits them shall they proceed with their high school careers at CHS unprepared. We would also like to formally apologize to those already lost as well as their mourning friends and family because this article was too late to help them. So please, please, share this advice and save a new student’s life.