Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19

Capricorn, you like to think things through and plan ahead. The stars suggest you plan ahead with some new life insurance policies. Also, carry around a life raft with you…maybe some flares as well.

Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18

Aquarius, you tend to be very loyal and honest. While loyalty is always something to be admired, you should really try and stay away from that one new friend that you’ve made recently. He or she may seem like a true friend with your best interests at heart, but the stars suggest you go to the police as soon as possible and admit to what you either already know or will come to know soon.

Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar 20

Pisces, this month you will have good luck with water! If you’re a swimmer, expect to improve your time! It’s raining in the next town over? Good thing it’s not raining anywhere near your house! On the other hand, you will have terrible luck with electricity throughout the coming month. Don’t go near any outlets, make others charge your phone for you as a precaution. Don’t use the microwave and even avoid balloons. On second thought…maybe you should stay away from water this month as well…

Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19

Aries, your energetic attitude and desire for adventure tend to make you impulsive. The stars suggest you try really hard to stop and think very, very carefully the next time you’re invited to go cliff jumping or propositioned to join an extreme sport. Please, please, please. If you still want to participate, then the stars suggest wrapping yourself in a few layers of bubble wrap.

Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20

Taurus, buy some wolf repellent as soon as possible. The rapid kind. Also, maybe some bear traps…and tranquilizers. Strong tranquilizers.

Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20

Gemini, you are a true extrovert that loves to socialize with others! But the stars suggest you avoid going out for a while. That thing you blabbed about to some people you shouldn’t have talked to? Yeah, you really shouldn’t have done that. If you have to go out, try to stay in public areas with lots of witnesses, I mean, other people. Don’t under any circumstance go out at night.

Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22

Cancer, all those recipes you’ve been trying out lately will finally pay off! That one dish that you’ve been struggling with for a while now will finally have the opportunity to be perfected this month! Just don’t use the oven. Whatever you do, stay away from the oven. Carry a fire extinguisher around with you at all times and even keep some extra ones in your car…ya know, just for caution.

Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 22

Leo, last year you had to worry about lots of spiders, but rejoice! You will have no problems whatsoever with them this month. You probably won’t see a single one! In fact, you may even start to miss them…you may come to miss them a lot actually…especially after what the stars see planned happens. Now, how do you feel about wasps?

Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22

Virgo, expect this month to be surrounded by flowers! Your garden is sure to flourish and you may even receive flowers from a special secret admirer. Your friends and family are sure to give you some flowers as well this month, gifts for their dear friend that’s…still recovering.

Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22

Libra, you’ve been stressing lately about managing your schedule and getting all your work done. Be at ease, because in the coming month you will have plenty of time to get all of your affairs in order. All of your affairs…all of them. How do the stars know you won’t be rushed on time this month? Well, you’ll be recuperating in the hospital of course! No rush to get work done there!

Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21

Scorpio, you tend to be secretive and a bit obsessive. The stars recommend you don’t carry out that plan of yours anytime soon. You know, the one you’ve had in the works for a few years now, the one with the detail’s pinned up on that cork board under you bed? Not because it won’t work, but because it will… It will be carried out perfectly, just as you’ve imagined, but you may regret it later when certain…enemies come looking for you seeking revenge, I mean, justifiable reparations.

Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21

Sagittarius, this month, all of your dreams will come true! That dream where you find some loose change in the laundry, the one where you reconnect with an old friend, even that one where you find out that your mother isn’t actually your mother! Of course your other dreams will come true as well! That dream about being surrounded by endless darkness, the one about falling down a dark pit with no hope in sight, even that one where you’re being chased at night through some really creepy looking trees! Look forward to a very interesting month ahead!