The Teachers vs. World Records

Who will come out victorious?


As 2022 has recently come to a close, many people reflect on the records broken throughout the year. Believe it or not, dozens of unimaginable world records have been set. From the most Jell-O eaten with chopsticks in one minute to the most lit candles put in your mouth, records showcasing useless talents are being set every day. Some are thrilling, some seem impossible, and some seem just plain dumb. This brings along an interesting question: What teachers at CMS/CHS are most likely to break which records?

Mr. Goeller: Known for his talent for teaching history, his love of Star Wars, and for randomly walking in circles, Mr. Goeller seems like the perfect teacher to break a record. He is very determined, and would not stop trying to complete the impossible. Therefore, it is only right that he would be the one to walk the most steps in a day. 

Mrs. Opfinger: In the intriguing world of mathematics, there is a very calm and kind teacher. Besides being an excellent math teacher, she is also a very good personal and unlicensed therapist. Mrs. Opfinger just seems like a mother at heart. Due to this, along with her organizational skills, we believe that she would be able to break the world record of fastest time to put on a duvet cover. 

Mr. Surgent: Many students would agree that Mr. Surgent’s motto has become “read and annotate.” Therefore, we believe that he is the most skilled at “ reading and annotating” in the world. Although this record is made up, if Guinness World Records saw Mr. Surgent, he would receive recognition.

Mrs. DeMarco: Down in the iconic classroom of C14, there is an equally iconic teacher. Known for her amazing fashion style, her great music taste, and her love of teaching English, Mrs. DeMarco is the teacher that kids in movies dream of. She is smart, excellent with words, and very calm (most of the time). Therefore, we think that she would break the world record for the fastest time for alphabetizing alphabet soup. 

Mr. Cardenas: As someone who teaches many STEM classes, like engineering design, Mr. Cardenas is an expert at both building and efficiency. We believe using this knowledge, he would break the world record for the fastest time to assemble Mr. Potato Head while blindfolded. 

Mr. Boita: In the science world, Mr. Boita is the perfect stereotypical science teacher. He is smart and always ready to teach. He is also incredibly precise, giving us exactly the knowledge we need to learn complex topics. Due to his definite characteristics, we believe that he would break the record for the most Smarties eaten in 60 seconds, blindfolded, using chopsticks. 

Mr. Brennan: Known for his love for proofs, and skills at teaching math, Mr. Brennan is a great teacher (except for the proofs part). He is smart, and exact with his teaching, and yet still manages to be a fun person. Therefore, we believe that he would break the record for the tallest Jenga tower built in one minute. 

Mr. Doto: As one of the gym teachers, and a former star athlete, it is only fair to put Mr. Doto as one of these record-breaking teachers. Although many would say that he would beat a record in the athletic department, we believe that he would want to take a different route. In order to prove that he can do more than sports, we believe that Mr. Doto would break the record for the most saltine crackers eaten in one minute. 

Ms. Milewska: Ms. M is known for her love of science, and this is why we believe she would be perfect for setting the record of the tallest toilet paper tower. Although Mr. Cardenas could also be a contender for this prize, we think Ms. M would beat the world record due to her immense determination (that has been displayed throughout her career of teaching annoying 9th graders).

Mr. Nemeth: Although Mr. Nemeth is most notable for his math classes, we think he would beat a more outlandish record: the most t-shirts put on in 60 seconds. Mr. Nemeth would be the most efficient t-shirt putter-onner by somehow incorporating his infinite insight about math into putting on the shirts.