*Disclaimer: This listicle only references the girl’s bathrooms at Cresskill High School since I am a woman. Therefore, for our male readers this definitive ranking may seem inaccurate.

With the introduction of the new bathroom passes, there has been increased discourse surrounding the bathrooms at Cresskill High School. While many have their own personal opinions about the bathrooms, I am here to give a definitive ranking of the bathrooms based on several criteria: crowdedness, size, functionality, and disgustingness factor.

But before we dive into the rankings, there are some issues shared by all of the bathrooms that need to be addressed. First and foremost is the lack of soap. Why is there never soap in the girl’s bathroom? Clean hands are a basic human right. You would think after a three year pandemic the school would be more concerned with hand hygiene. Another issue is toilet paper quality, however this is an issue in all public bathrooms so I think it can be excused. It is important to note that while our bathrooms have their issues, they are still better than many public restrooms. For example, this summer I had the arduous task of cleaning the restrooms at the Cresskill Municipal Pool and trust me, the school bathrooms are heaven by comparison.

Now onto the rankings!

Let’s start with the worst bathroom by far: The Locker Room Bathroom

The locker room bathroom embodies the worst qualities of all Cresskill High School bathrooms. Despite having the most stalls, at a grand total of 4, they are always full, with a constant line out the door to use them. The next issue is the aforementioned lack of soap which seems to be especially prominent in the locker room. Going hand in hand with the lack of soap is the sinks, whose faucets automatically turn off after .037 milliseconds, which makes washing your hands even more frustrating. Finally, the locker room bathroom only has air dryers, no paper towels. Paper towels are clearly superior to air dryers, unless you are lucky enough to find a dyson airblade dryer, something which is far above the quality of the dryers in the locker room. Heading to gym class with soaking wet hands is an unpleasant experience that no one wants to deal with.

The locker room bathroom also lacks cleanliness, due to student’s tracking in mud from outdoor gym classes. Mud in the bathroom is a major no no.

The only upside of the locker room bathroom is that it does have the best lighting and mirrors in the school. There is also a decent amount of space which is certainly a bonus.

Here are the final ranking scores for the locker room bathroom:
Crowdedness: 🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍/10
Size: 9/10
Functionality: -3/10
Disgustingness factor: 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮/10

Next up we have quite the hot take: The C-Wing Bathrooms

The C-Wing bathrooms are quite popular among students, but in my opinion, that’s exactly the problem. The C-Wing bathrooms are over-crowded, over-used, and frankly disgusting. The overcrowding of the C-Wing bathrooms is one of the main reasons the bathroom swipe policy was instituted. Depending on the period, you might find students sitting on the sinks, or several pairs of sneakers gathered in the big stall. One student, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims she found pee on the floor one day upon entering a stall in the C-Wing. So gross! The over-use also leads to litter of feminine hygiene products, toilet paper, and paper towels. These factors can make the C-Wing bathrooms unusable at points.

The C-Wing bathroom does have several advantages however, which is why it’s ranked higher than the locker room. The lighting and mirrors are decent which is always a plus. It’s relatively spacious and has a handicap stall. And thankfully, there is a paper towel dispenser. The biggest benefit of the C-Wing bathroom is that it is centrally located to high school classes, which is why it’s such a hot spot for high school students.

Here are the final ranking scores for the C-Wing bathroom:
Crowdedness:🧍🧍🧍🧍 🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍/10
Size: 7.5/10
Functionality: 6/10
Disgustingness factor: 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮/10

Now it’s time for the most mid bathroom at school: The B-Wing Bathroom

In all honesty, I can’t remember the last time I was in the B-Wing bathroom or if I’ve ever been in there at all. The B-Wing bathroom is probably the smallest bathroom in school, but because of this it doesn’t get much traffic. The major flaw of the B-Wing bathroom is that it’s only accessible to middle schoolers, however this isn’t too big of a deal since most high schoolers don’t have class in the B-Wing. Overall there just isn’t much to say about the B-wing bathrooms.

Here are the final ranking scores for the B-Wing bathroom:
Crowdedness: mid/10
Size: 2/10
Functionality: mid/10
Disgustingness factor: mid/10

It’s time for the Supreme Bathroom runner-up: The D-Wing Bathroom

The D-Wing bathroom is the biggest, cleanest, most spacious bathroom in school. It has a very similar layout to the C-Wing bathroom and a pretty decent location. However, the source of the D-Wing bathroom’s success is also its greatest flaw: no high schoolers are allowed in the D-Wing bathroom. The reason the D-Wing bathroom is so clean and relatively empty is because high schoolers were banned from it a couple of years ago, making it a strictly middle school bathroom. While in most situations the mere presence of middle schoolers would be enough to make a location disgusting, somehow they’re better potty trained than high school students.

Here are the final ranking scores for the The D-Wing bathroom:
Crowdedness:🧍🧍/10
Size: 8/10
Functionality: 2/10
Disgustingness factor: 🤮/10

Finally we have the definitive BEST BATHROOM at Cresskill high school: The A-Wing Bathroom

The A-Wing bathroom is certainly an underdog in the fight for best bathroom, but in my opinion, it remains supreme. The A-Wing bathroom is small but mighty, with its tiny size actually being its biggest advantage. Due to its lack of spaciousness the A-Wing bathroom is rarely crowded as usually no one uses it. It’s a peaceful refuge in the hellscape that is high school. At times, the A-Wing bathroom can get gross, but overall it’s no worse than any of the other bathrooms at school. The girl’s A-Wing bathroom also has a secret advantage that you probably aren’t aware of: it’s never actually locked (If you turn the handle up instead of down it will always open, even when it’s not supposed to).

Unfortunately, the A-Wing has nearly as many disadvantages as advantages. Of course there is the aforementioned small size which can be a hassle in the rare scenario when more than one person is in there. The lighting is also pretty bad, and for some reason unbeknownst to students the mirror is cut in half, although it is the only full length mirror which is a nice perk.

Here are the final ranking scores for the A-Wing bathroom:
Crowdedness:🧍/10
Size: 1/10
Functionality: 8/10
Disgustingness factor: 🤮🤮/10

That wraps up my ranking of the bathrooms at Cresskill High School. I realize many of my takes might be pretty controversial, so please feel free to share your personal thoughts on the bathrooms with the Communiqué.