April 24th, 2025. That was the day that students at Cresskill High School were betrayed. Betrayed by those we called our authority. Along with our phones, we lost our will to live. But now, we have been living under the tyranny of the so-called “updated phone policy” for far too long. We are fighting back! If you too want to break free of the chains they call district policy 5516, this article will give you an in-depth guide on the best ways to do so without getting caught.
Teachers. The harbingers of this travesty wrapped in a trench-coat disguised as a policy. They may be the principal’s henchmen, carrying out his orders in their classrooms, but everyone knows they are truly fickle, traitorous creatures. If the teacher catches you using your phone during class, have no fear! Simply pull a crisp five dollar bill out of your pocket and give a convincing wink. This method is guaranteed to get you a following of drooling teachers, willing to listen to anything you say. Now, all you have to do is sit back and spend the class scrolling on your phone while all your classmates stare in envy of your newfound power.
Everyone has that one book you are forced to read in English that you just loathe. Kill two birds with one stone by getting to use your phone and destroying your homework! So, take your copy of Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe and grab your sharpest scissors. Now, take your anger and hatred of the book out by painstakingly cutting a rectangle out of each page, hollowing out a small portion. This may be hard, but don’t worry, it will be worth it to be back to texting your friends! Then put your phone into the slot and voila! Now, you can look as though you are studiously reading your book while you actually are looking up a synopsis of the book so you can still ace your essay.
Another option, master the dark arts! Travel far into the void and battle to retrieve the unobtainable magic that is hidden there. Search the depths of YouTube to find a master who will give you the ultimate tutorial, as long as you like and subscribe. (While you’re at it, might as well look up the pythagorean theorem since you weren’t paying attention during geometry). Use these mystical powers to teleport objects around with nothing but your mind. With this newfound ability, you can be taking selfies one second and diligently annotating an article the next, and the teachers will be none the wiser.
If absolutely none of these work, the best thing to do is move. Go to a different school where you can have your phone. Problem solved! All you need to do is beg your parents to pull you out of Cresskill and send you to some other school. Just leave behind all your friends and teachers and memories just so you can remain addicted to the little screen in your pocket.
In all seriousness, the updated phone policy is here to stay, so the best way to get around it? Get used to it! Eventually you will stop thinking about your phone 24/7 and learn to live without it. You can do it! I believe in you!
